


woooow, that's hot (not)

by whiskerprince



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: 3racha hentai movie night, Gross cuddling, M/M, chan suffers greatly, extremely unsexy fic warning, felix slandering, happy 2nd anniversary 3racha, hentai connoisseur changbin, rated m for extensive discussion of hentai and porn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-18
Updated: 2019-01-18
Packaged: 2019-10-12 00:04:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17456837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whiskerprince/pseuds/whiskerprince
Summary: "Hi guys," Chan says. "Whatcha up to?""Movie night," Jisung says."Movie night," Changbin echoes.





	woooow, that's hot (not)

**Author's Note:**

> this is the stupidest shit i've ever written

DORM RULES

1\. No farting in common areas  
2\. No dabbing pls it's 2019  
3\. Obey the chore chart  
4\. If u eat someone's snacks, replace them  
5\. Put in headphones if ur watching porn

 

Is it really so hard, so troublesome, to put headphones in?

Oh, but that's not the question Chan should be asking. His kids knew how to put their headphones in. Tethered or, as had become more likely, untethered. So they could turn on their bluetooth. Connect to their phone automatically. Except, what's that, they connected to the communal shower speaker? And now, while Chan is in the shower, Cardi B is replaced by Cardi Boned-By-Her-Stepdad-While-Making-A-Cake, and all the moaning, slapping, and squelching that accompanied her replacement.

(Of all the possible culprits, this was the work of Woojin. When Chan interrogated him, one uncomfortable speed-scrub shower session later, Woojin shrugged. "I was hungry," he said.

And if that wasn't already an over-sized suitcase's worth of unpacking, when Chan asked him why the hell he hadn't noticed his porn had no sound, Woojin had responded, "Oh, I don't listen to the audio. I just connect my Airpods because I hate changing my volume settings.")

So what Chan _should_ be asking is, after such a chaotic experience only months ago (and yes, it had been loud enough for the entire dorm to hear), is it really so bloody difficult to tell if your porn is broadcasting across the entire fucking nation?

He's standing in front of the closed door to the room he shares with Changbin. The sound from the room is muffled but clearly the high-pitched cries of an animated girl getting rawed by a pixelated schlong. Too breathy and soprano to be a human woman. Also, it's clearly in Japanese if the "イー行く！行っている!" is anything to go by. Chan is familiar with this particular brand of guilty pleasure.

Hyunjin sticks his head around the corner of the Millennium Room doorway, right across from Chan and Changbin's room. He makes eye contact with Chan, eyebrows pulled together coyly. Where shenanigans prospered, curious Hyunjins followed. Chan's not a fan of having to burst in on Changbin with his dick out, but the last thing he needs is more hentai freaks in their dorm. He, Minho, and apparently Changbin are too many as it is. He makes a shooing motion at Hyunjin, who lets his eyes slide to the closed door and gives it a long look before sticking his head back inside his room and closing the door.

Chan gathers himself, sighs, and throws the door to his room open.

He is greeted by not one, but two pairs of eyes. The room is dark, illuminated only by the light of Changbin's laptop. Jiggling breasts are reflected in bright pricks of light in Changbin and Jisung's eyes. There is a long beat of silence. The keens of the girl on screen getting her breasts fondled continue.

"Hi guys," Chan says. "Whatcha up to?"

"Movie night," Jisung says.

"Movie night," Changbin echoes.

They're both fully clothed. No dicks, balls, butts, or even nipples assault Chan's eyes (well, in real life at least). There's no secrecy blanket over their laps for them to discreetly jerk off without looking at each other's dicks. After an ill-advised ogle at their crotches that Chan immediately regrets, he realizes they aren't even hard. Just sitting together, watching porn, like it's a...movie night.

Chan opens his mouth. Closes it. They're still just looking at him.

He opens his mouth again. "This is—" glances at the screen to see a close-up of some unpixelated anal, "—okay, Jesus, yeah, this is definitely porn. We have rules about porn."

Changbin points at Jisung. "His idea."

Jisung sputters. "It's _your_ porn!"

" _You_ were the one who asked to see it!"

"I was joking! 'Ha-ha you have a whole collection of hentai? Love to see that someday.' It was a _joke!_ "

"Oh yeah? Then how come I didn't see you complaining when I turned it on?"

And, onscreen, an unrealistic amount of cum shoots out of the animated cock, covering the girl head to toe in cake-batter-looking, supposed-to-be-semen globs. Chan flashes back unpleasantly to The Woojin Incident. Then the guy who had been having a grand ol' time fucking the girl dies and shrivels up.

Chan squints. "What the hell are you even watching?"

" _Lilitales_ ," Changbin answers immediately. "The extended series."

"It's about...necrophilia?" Chan asks hesitantly. Damn...3RACHA were a bunch of freaks. He almost respects them for it.

"No, it isn't," Changbin says, rolling his eyes. "The main character—"

"Hentai has _characters_?" This _is_ hentai right? When's the last time any of them had names? Hell, half of the time the guy is just some average Joe whose eyes are never shown.

 _Oh no_ , Chan thinks, _I'm falling out of touch with the younger generations._

"Yes, it does," Changbin says. "And if you ever watched anything good instead that cheap tentacle shit, you would know this."

Chan inhales his own spit and chokes on it.

"It's not even my fault I know your porn search history," Changbin says. "You fall asleep with it still playing on your laptop."

"Hyung showed me the one about the demon summoning gone wrong," Jisung says solemnly, shaking his head. "I like tentacles as much as the next guy, but seriously Channie-hyung—at least watch the one about the shrine maiden sisters. Your taste in hentai _sucks_."

"Oh yeah?" Chan crosses his arms. "What's so great about a guy dying and shriveling up? What's so sexy about that?"

"It's not about how sexy it is," Changbin huffs. "Are you an animal?"

"What," Chan deadpans, arms dropping.

"Just—" Changbin sighs. "Close the door and come watch with us."

Baffled, Chan obeys, closing the door behind him and settling himself on the bottom bunk, fit snugly between the two of them. Now, the girl on screen is wandering the desert, barely clothed...for some reason.

"As I was saying," Changbin continues, "the main character, Rei, has the power to suck the life force out of men through their orgasms. And once they start having sex with her, they can't stop and basically fuck themselves to death."

"Oh," Chan says. That's a bit more like it.

"She used to be a slave, but now she's an immortal who travels the world by selling herself to different people, and eventually she meets up with a knight trying to save her princess, Lili, from captivity. It's a really touching and unique story."

"So," Chan says slowly. "This is what you're into?"

"Ugh," Jisung groans. "You sound like his dad, dude. Lighten up."

Chan knows. He felt himself die a little inside when he said it. "I just don't understand why porn needs an interesting storyline if all you're going to do is wank off and fall asleep."

"Hentai isn't _just_ porn," Changbin says. "It's _art_."

"Here we go," Jisung mutters.

"Good hentai has a mastery of animation, talented voice actors, and a gripping storyline, just like any good anime," Changbin sniffs. "Just because it happens to involve gratuitous sex doesn't make it garbage—it's an under-recognized art form. That's why I collect the blu-rays of all the really good ones."

"Those are _yours_?" Chan cries. "I thought they were _Minho's!_ "

The blu-rays in question were kept in a plastic bin wrapped in a colorful scarf so as to disguise their contents. Chan had happened upon it and assumed Minho was hiding his stash where Jisung wouldn't find it and no one could pin it on him.

"Nah," Jisung says. "He only watches monster-fucking hentai and furry porn. And like, live action camp counselor on camper action? Don't know what that's all about."

"And you don't get off to this?" Chan asks.

Changbin looks offended. "Would I get off to Botticelli's _Primavera_?"

"Felix did once," Jisung says.

Both of his hyungs stare at him. Jisung makes a face. "Oh, like puberty didn't make you do crazy shit? At least he didn't try to shove a carrot up his ass or something."

Fair enough.

"Just watch the show with us," Jisung says.

"You're on this 'hentai is art' train too?" Chan asks.

"Eh," Jisung says. "Kinda just like looking at boobs."

"Alright," Chan sighs. "Show me what this succubus chick wandering through the desert is all about."

A smile spreads across Jisung's face. "Hey, you know what—"

Chan, who knows where this is going, says, "No—"

"—it's almost like—"

Changbin catches on. "God dammit, no—"

"—you could say—"

"Please don't do this—"

"—for the dudes that fuck her—"

"No, no, no—"

"—this girl is an oasis in the desert. You see? Because _I see_ —"

Jisung takes the pillow flung at his face with great pride. Chan tries to smother him to death and Changbin pummels his legs with punches. Jisung writhes like a snake, giggling uproariously while his hyungs swear at him, still trying to cram more jokes in. Even getting beat up is a victory.

 

\---XXX---

 

Chan watches all eleven episodes of Rei getting fucked frontwards, backwards, sidewards, upside down, and inside out. He's still skeptical on the artistic value of the series. He has a half-hearted boner that grew out obligation rather than true sexual interest in the content. It was hard to really get into the spirit of anime porn when Changbin was pointing out all the so-called merits of the production and Jisung had taken it upon himself to cheer for Rei every time she either killed a man or got it on with another girl.

Of course, by the time the princess is saved and Rei moves on to another land to continue with her vagina-vampire ways, Changbin and Jisung are sound asleep against him. Jisung has engaged his entire cuddle-fish armory: face tucked snugly into the crook of Chan's neck, arm wrapped surprisingly tightly around his abdomen, and entire leg thrown over Chan’s, effectively wrapping Chan in his tentacles...not exactly how he envisioned himself in his tentacle porn fantasies, but not a bad alternative. Changbin only stole Chan's arm, curling his body around the arm and pressing his cheek against Chan's bicep, occasionally rubbing his face up and down Chan's skin in his sleep.

In all honesty, it's not that comfortable. The laptop screen is still screaming into Chan's eyes. Jisung is snoring open-mouthed in his ear. Changbin is drooling on Chan, making an uncomfortable damp spot on his upper arm. All three of them are smelly from practice and someone is farting in their sleep.

But it's so warm. Chan's friends—his partners—are so skinny, due in part to spitfire metabolisms that could overpower a coal-fire locomotive. They are twin embers burrowed against Chan's sides, soft and comforting. Chan is a man, sure, but there's still a pack animal living inside him, courtesy of his ancestors. A dogpile of warm, slumbering bodies of family members sends messages straight to the feral side of Chan's brain. _Safe. Love. Sleep._

Even Chan's persistent insomnia can't hold a candle to animal instincts. He's with his pack; he's safe. He can sleep now. He does.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> its what 3racha wouldve wanted
> 
> credit to the incredible La_Temperanza for [this spectacular letter coding tutorial](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11549178/chapters/25935135).
> 
> as a final note, all the hentai mentioned in this fic exists and ive watched all of them. lilitales had so much plot i got distracted from my mission and instead just watched it to see what happened #truestory


End file.
